Yet you have not listened to Me, says the LORD, that you might provoke Me to anger with the works of your hands to your own harm.

—Jeremiah 25:7

Neglect of the Bible’s marriage foundations and replacing them with misguided, human-centered views is the blind spot of today’s Church. It’s one with numerous consequences, including millions of marriages ending with divorce. These misguided views also water the seeds of enmity planted by our culture—a hostility between husbands and wives that God never intended to exist and, consequently, has spoiled His divine design of marriage.

For lack of balanced teaching, the salt has lost its saltiness: "You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how shall it be made salty? It is from then on good for nothing but to be thrown out and to be trampled underfoot by men" (Matt. 5:13).

Altering the biblical theme of marriage amounts to bearing false witness; it is not truthful. If you tell a lie frequently enough, it will be believed. This is where we are today with misguided teachings in the Church as they have been reiterated ad infinitum for the past fifty years. Consistent with our culture, the net effect is to emasculate the husband. The consequences are far-reaching, not only undermining the family structure but impacting our communities and society as a whole.

Men today are held in contempt by women and even some men, especially those who align themselves with the politically correct themes of feminism and gynocentrism. While this contempt challenges a man’s integrity in society generally, when it enters the marriage, it wounds and ultimately destroys the relationship by undermining his headship and integrity. It is a common scenario today that often goes unrecognized because of the unbalanced views of the marriage relationship that dominate the culture and Church teachings.

A Man’s Integrity

The reverence that a wife is to have for her husband reflects the relationship we should have with God. Any sin is a serious offense to God; it damages the relationship that the person has with Him. A woman’s contempt for her husband is rebellion and damages not only the marital relationship but also her relationship with God.

In the physical, spiritual, and emotional realms of intimacy, a woman who withholds or who gives to others (another man, woman, or children) what should be reserved for her husband betrays him. It is parallel to the account in Hosea when God charges Israel’s aggravated impieties and iniquities as "whoredoms." Throughout Scripture, the same term is used to refer to rebellion against God. If a wife, as a pattern, refuses to give herself (in any sense) unto her own husband "as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22), it is rebellion against her husband and God. She has shirked the covenant she made before God to love and honor her husband. In such instances, her husband may well respond as God responded to Israel: "For she is not my wife, neither am I her husband" (Hos. 2:2, KJV).

How can a man hold himself in esteem and perform as the head of the relationship and home if he allows his wife to disrespect him, much less fail to reverence him? How can he maintain his integrity if he doesn’t stand up for himself under her contempt or aberrant behavior toward him? If his wife has a pattern of unrepentant offenses, his rightful response (in the spirit of Matthew 18:15) is to confront her and cite her harmful behaviors and words to afford her the opportunity to make right her offenses. Namely, she should repent and seek forgiveness. If she doesn’t act on that responsibility, she creates a gap in the relationship. Trust and safety no longer characterize it. He is faced with the contentious or brawling woman of Proverbs 21:9 and 19 where her behavior is such that he is better off alone on the housetop or in the wilderness.

Can a man be faulted for emotionally pulling away from the relationship any less than the woman if she were on the receiving end of continual, unrepentant offenses? It is not bitterness on his end as some would lead you to believe. She’s placed a spiritual wedge between them. The “oneness” has been breached; and just as our sins grieve the Holy Spirit and separate us from God, a wife’s sins and offenses against her husband are the origins of his spiritual and emotional separation from her. How does a husband maintain a positive outlook on their relationship when chained to a woman who vowed to love him but has forsaken those vows and refuses to repent? It is an invidious betrayal. She becomes more of a parasite, willingly extracting from the relationship what he does—the money and goods he produces—rather than relinquishing her pride and accepting him for who God appointed him to be in the Christ-Church/husband-wife parallel. The unique traits of what characterize a marriage are no longer there.

Furthermore, there is little satisfactory recourse for the man to bring accountability upon her given that the courts, the culture, and even some church leaders fall over themselves to prop the woman up, regardless of her destructive role in the matter. They refuse to allow for the reality that a woman can be as sinful, cruel, and hardened as any man. Therefore, he either lives chained to a person who does not love him, or he cuts off a limb through the family courts to escape and break loose from his plight and preserve his integrity.

And yet, how many in the Church will label him as bitter? That is a rather cruel accusation to make of a person who is trapped in the outcome of an ideology of political correctness void of biblical balance.

This is just one example of an affliction caused, in part, by the modern Church’s error. Pastors, authors, and counselors remain silent about what Scripture says regarding the woman’s sinful predispositions (contentiousness and desire for her husband’s position) and what her disposition should be (reverence for her husband). In doing so, they align their work with the politically correct ideology of secular culture. How many dysfunctional or even abusive marriages are wrongfully laid at the feet of husbands because of the stereotype of the relationally deficient man who needs to be "civilized" by the enlightened woman? Men in the Church have their arms twisted to be the "sacrificial leader" in order to meet their wife’s capricious judgments as she holds ransom for what she is to give out of love. This view is used as a cudgel to beat men back into the position where they belong—at least, as the culture defines his place.

Women, including some in Christendom, are emboldened by the culture to take what is "rightfully" theirs and not let these brutes push them around. Some dismiss the loving expressions of reverence for their husbands and thus shirk their biblical role as help meet. Meanwhile, inordinate pressure is placed on the husband to unquestionably sacrifice himself for his wife without holding her to a biblical standard. This is akin to Adam listening "to the voice of your wife" (Gen. 3:17), which God cited in delivering Adam’s punishment. When will today’s church leaders see what has happened and the role they played in the sorry state of many marriages?

Friend vs. Husband

The way in which the modern marriage is presented, combined with the woman’s predisposition to match or exceed her husband’s position, tempts her to reframe the relationship in her mind. One example is the tendency of many to characterize marriage as a friendship.

How many women define their relationship with their husbands as "my best friend"? On the surface, that sounds great, although it is like calling the Hope Diamond "a piece of glass." Why would the term best friend be the standard by which we compare our relationship with our spouse? It tempts the one desiring this friendship to cheapen the relationship by positioning it differently from marriage. The husband-wife relationship should be appreciated as so much deeper and more meaningful than just a friendship. Am I merely mincing words? No. When you take the full meaning of how Scripture describes the special, sanctified relationship in marriage, it is clearly not just a friendship. Consider the scriptural evidence of the status a marriage relationship has as opposed to mere friendship.

Husbands and wives become one flesh—friends don’t.

"The man gave names to all the livestock, to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field.…Then Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she will be called Woman, for she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Gen. 2:20, 23–24).

"He answered, ‘Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning "made them male and female," and said, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh"? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man put asunder’" (Matt. 19:4–6).

"Jesus answered them, ‘Due to the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God "made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh." So then they are no longer two, but one flesh’" (Mark 10:5–8).

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh" (Eph. 5:31).

Husbands and wives have sexual relations—friends don’t.

"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving deer and pleasant doe; let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love" (Prov. 5:18–19).

"Let the husband render to the wife due affection, and likewise the wife to the husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan does not tempt you for lack of self-control" (1 Cor. 7:3–5).

"Marriage is to be honored among everyone, and the bed undefiled. But God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers" (Heb. 13:4).

Friends are equal in relationship—husbands and wives are not.

"To the woman He said…‘your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you’" (Gen. 3:16).

"Wives, be submissive to your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head and Savior of the church, which is His body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:22–24).

"Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands.…For in this manner, in the old times, the holy women, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You are her children as long as you do right and are not afraid with any terror" (1 Pet 3:1, 5–6).

A mindset of being friends with your spouse potentially shifts the relationship’s dynamic by neutralizing the three differentiating factors outlined above. Some use this to rationalize in their own mind a reason for removing the biblical qualities and obligations from the relationship.

A husband-wife relationship is so much more than a friendship. Indeed, friendships are superficial in comparison to marriage. Friends are not subject to the mutual vulnerability that husband and wife are, nor are they forced into difficult situations or potential conflicts. Friends go home at the end of the day and don’t climb in bed with the other. All this said, there is a place for "friendship" and even a "BFF" in a marriage; but that friendship is just a part of the relationship. The marriage relationship will hopefully become much, much more.

The connection between friends is made in the intellectual, spiritual, emotional, and social realms. They enjoy the fellowship and companionship of one another for their shared interests and shared trust that slowly builds. Trust is built through time spent together and a demonstration of respect for the other in the way that is meaningful to the recipient.

However, friends typically have boundaries they would not cross with each other, so sensitive topics and selfish expectations are tempered by caution and sensitivity to those boundaries. Married couples should also have boundaries, but often those boundaries are breached because of the pressure of continuous proximity and the privacy of the relationship.

The love we are to have toward each other as husband and wife means maintaining the four realms of a friendship, plus the physical realm. The connection and closeness between a Christian husband and wife that are not present in a friendship are made possible most plainly in the spiritual, physical, and emotional realms. And the marriage relationship can grow more deeply, intellectually, and socially as well. The vulnerability in a marriage relationship will create either a tighter bond or a wider gap, depending on the level of trust that is built between the couple.

The friendship mindset grows from the fertile ground cultivated by the secular pressures for an egalitarian relationship and the absence of the Church’s instruction of the four foundations. The relationship is cheapened when it is not respected in the entirety of biblical instruction.

Responsibility for Her Character?

Many pastors, authors, and counselors hold the man responsible for his wife’s behavior and countenance. In error, they hold the man to a standard of delivering certain emotional and relational tokens before she assumes her prudent behavior and biblical countenance. In contrast, Proverbs 19:14 suggests that the quality of a woman being prudent is from God: "House and riches are the inheritance of fathers, and a prudent wife is from the LORD." Matthew Henry provides insightful perspective of the prudent wife of this Proverb:

A discreet and virtuous wife is a choice gift of God's providence to a man: A wife that is prudent, in opposition to one that is contentious, ver. 13. For though a wife that is continually finding fault, may think it is her wit and wisdom to be so, it is really her folly; a prudent wife is meek and quiet, and makes the best of every thing. If a man has such a wife, let him not ascribe it to the wisdom of his own choice, or his own management, for the wisest have been deceived, both in and by a woman, but let him ascribe it to the goodness of God, who made him a help meet for him, and, perhaps by some hits and turns of providence, that seemed casual brought her to him. Every creature is what He makes it. Happy marriages we are sure are made in heaven.³⁶

A man, especially a pastor, who is blessed with a prudent wife and thinks her fine demeanor is due to "the wisdom of his own choice or his own management" is deceived.

It is harsh to hold a man responsible for his rebellious, contentious wife. Any man who knows that a prudent wife is from none other than the Lord will have compassion for a fellow believer whose wife lacks such quality. And knowing through Proverbs and other scriptural examples what is the effect of a rebellious woman, his words will be of empathy and encouragement to the fellow. If that man is a pastor, a spiritual leader, he is obligated, in support of the husband as head and with his permission, to confront the rebellious wife and call her sinfulness out. However, that would never happen in most churches today where there lacks sensitivity to the woman’s sinful predisposition and responsibility to her husband.

The relentless hammering by pastors, authors, and counselors to "love your wife as Christ loves the church" in the absence of instruction, correction, and admonishment for married women leads me to believe that they do not account for Proverbs 19:14, "a prudent wife is from the LORD." They place on the man a responsibility that belongs to God—it is an impossible feat.

Proverbs teaches that the man with a contentious wife is better off in the wilderness. It is upon her to repent and place herself voluntarily under his headship. His attempts to "love your wife as Christ loves the church" will be a lesson in frustration and will likely fortify her rebellion. Consider again, Hosea’s plight as he sent his wife’s children to entreat her: "Plead with your mother, plead—for she is not My wife, and am I not her husband—that she put away her harlotry from her face, and her adultery from between her breasts" (Hos. 2:2). Gomer’s rebellion was of the extreme, but as any sin is an offense to God, any rebellion a woman has toward her husband is an offense to him. If the wife is in a pattern of sinful rebellion (contentious, contemptuous), only the Lord can move her heart to be like Sarah’s. And that may take some prompting by her husband, who she is instructed to look to for spiritual and biblical insight.

The women authors cited in chapter 2 validate the responsibility of a woman to repent of her offenses against her husband and subject herself to him. It worked for each of them because, by their own words, they finally became obedient to Christ in who they were in relation to their husbands. It works because that is the way in which God designed it. In doing so, consistent with the Christ-Church, husband-wife parallel, each of these women removed themselves from a state of rebellion and made their relationship open for their husband to approach them—they reconciled with their husbands by their repentance.

But how much harder is it to penetrate the impenitent heart of a rebellious woman who has not heard a balanced presentation of the marriage foundations that might have pricked her conscience? For this reason, the omission of the foundations by pastors and authors is a tragedy.

The lack of a complete, in-context presentation of Scripture for any topic produces heresy. And that is what abounds today in our churches with the topic of marriage—yet another repercussion of today’s erred teaching.

Continue to the Conclusion