Desire at the Door:
Uncovering the Biblical Marriage Foundations in the Post-Modern Era

Chapter 3
Foundation #3: Becoming One

Then Adam said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she will be called Woman, for she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they will become one flesh. They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

—Genesis 2:23–25

A healthy Christian marriage is a foreshadowing that provides insight into the closeness and satisfaction of our eternal relationship with the God of the universe. Because of its spiritual nature, this connection is beyond words. God Himself—the spiritual "I AM"—views husband and wife as one. This is why Paul uses the parallel of husband and wife to Christ and the Church in Ephesians 5. We know becoming one is not becoming one biologically via a physical attachment. Just as being "born again" refers to our spiritual state, so does "becoming one."

Jesus, in addressing the Pharisees’ question on divorce, speaks to becoming one flesh, referring to the man "cleaving" to his wife, and twice He speaks to the two becoming one flesh: "‘For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.’ So then they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:7–9).

This is how God designed the marriage relationship. Becoming one flesh happens spiritually—through His power. "God has joined together" is explicit in what happens but does not fully explain what it means. Still, in Mark 10:8, Jesus talked about the two becoming one flesh. At some point, we go from being two people to becoming one. God does something to change our status before Him and each other.

God recognizes our joining as one happens through the act of sex. In 1 Corinthians 6:16 Paul uses the example of the unmarried to make the point that sexual intercourse is how we become one: "What? Do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For ‘the two,’ He says, ‘shall become one flesh.’" Paul’s use of the unmarried as an illustration is no accident. There is nothing else in the marriage relationship that makes a man and woman "become one" but their sexual activity. Not the vows on their wedding day, nor sharing the same home. Nothing else makes them one.

Many people have a hard time connecting the physical to the spiritual; however, that is exactly what Paul is telling us. Anyone who struggles accepting the connection between the physical and spiritual is influenced by the secular culture or misguided teachings of other Christians. Or they may be unable to overcome a past sexual trauma or are living under the guilt of their premarital promiscuity.

Although sexual intercourse creates a union of a man and woman, married or not, no matter how much society proclaims we are to be inclusive, the sexual relationship is to be exclusive. It is unique to husband and wife, meant strictly for marriage. It is God’s command; one we cannot disrespect without consequence.

In the next chapter of 1 Corinthians, Paul addresses the day’s false teachings and beliefs with an explanation of the biblical marriage dynamic, saying the husband should render "due affection" (v. 3) to his wife and vice versa, since each is compelled by the marriage covenant to give of their body to the other as an expression of oneness and love –a communion. He concludes the passage: "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan does not tempt you for lack of self-control" (v. 5).

There is a presumption that underlies Paul’s instruction in this verse. It is the need for renewing oneness. Paul explicitly states that this regular communion is necessary in order to avoid sin. Husband and wife commit their bodies to one another to fulfill the oneness that tightens their bond and to help avert sinful acts of sex outside the marriage bed.

These messages make it clear that the sexual aspect of marriage goes beyond procreation. The relational aspect of sexual acts between a husband and wife includes becoming one flesh. It brings a oneness to the relationship that cannot be duplicated in any other way. It is an act of communion between a husband and wife to establish and renew the relationship on an intimate level. Paul says they are to be deliberate and regular. Anything less is simply a friendship. A unilateral decision to withhold affection by either party is a betrayal of their vows to love and cherish. One must ask if a Christian marriage can be valid if this ongoing communion is absent.

There is a type of becoming one in marriage that is a process similar to Paul’s instruction in Philippians 2:13 to work out our salvation. Christian married couples are called to a type of sanctification. Namely, working out their relationship to tighten their bonds over time. Will it be perfect? No, but our call to grace and repentance will get us through our mutual imperfections. God requires us to work it out—in part by respecting biblical roles and admonitions, and not offending each other. This means coming together intellectually, spiritually, socially, emotionally, and physically. Sin keeps us from doing so, causing separation from our desired state.

The work required includes the bilateral dynamic of owning and confessing our offenses to our spouse and granting forgiveness to restore the relationship. Peter’s admonition to "be all of one mind" (1 Pet. 3:8) is for all believers, but especially applies to the marital relationship. As he says in verse 9: "Do not repay evil for evil, or curse for curse, but on the contrary, bless, knowing that to this you are called, so that you may receive a blessing." Such language clearly describes how oneness fosters peace and love. Conversely, "rendering evil for evil" and "curse for curse" are signs of a relationship lacking oneness.

The antithesis of becoming one is contentiousness, which signals a lack of unity. Indeed, it is rebellion; a wife refusing to submit and yield to her husband is the contentiousness referred to several times in Proverbs. It is a refusal to adhere to the biblically prescribed role in the relationship, and only her heartfelt repentance can reunite them. If she ignores or denies her rebellious state, it will fester, creating a void the devil will eagerly fill. It will be followed by sinful conditions of the heart: apathy, resentment, detachment, and bitterness. These will fester, resulting in sinful dispositions that lead to rash words or actions, driving the relationship further from God and the couple apart. Oneness cannot be present when "evil for evil" and "curse for curse" are in the relationship. When these negative behaviors rear their ugly heads, it is a call for both to step back, take account for their ownership in that dynamic, and seek the other’s forgiveness.

This lack of unity is especially detrimental to the Christian couple’s spiritual health. The wife is instructed to place herself under her husband’s biblical instruction. How can two professing Christians be "one" when they embrace conflicting scriptural understandings? Jesus speaks to this in the Book of Mark, "If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand" (Mark 3:25).

There are two situations described in the New Testament that illustrate how the woman is to respond. The first is where the woman submits to her believing husband and places herself under his teaching. The second is the marriage where the woman’s husband is a nonbeliever. In either case, she is to place herself in subjection: "But I would have you know that the head of the woman is the man, the head of every man is Christ, and the head of Christ is God" (1 Cor. 11:3).

The woman in the first scenario is clearly instructed to learn from her husband: "Let your women remain silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak. They are commanded to be under obedience, as the law also says. If they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home, for it is a shame for women to speak in the church" (1 Cor. 14:34–35). If a woman refuses to accept instruction from her believing husband, she is thwarting a divine command and spiritual oneness is left wanting.

The woman in the second scenario (1 Pet. 3:1–4) is unable to get instruction in the Word from her unbelieving husband. Even so, Peter instructs the woman in that situation to be in subjection to her husband, exhibiting a gentle and quiet spirit. She is to remain "one" by the attitude of her heart toward him.

The absence of oneness has a profound effect on the relationship. How many women satisfy their relational needs through others, whether their children, friends, work associates, pets, or even television? Yet, her heart is to be reserved for her husband. When it isn’t, she drifts, and intimacy with her husband suffers. By her actions, she is declaring: "You are not number one for me. I am no longer one with you." Her emotional affair with others draws her attentions and obligations away from her husband. She is misdirecting to others the divine command to be connected to her husband. While it should make her uncomfortable to lack a fulfilling relationship with her husband, she should not turn to others to fill this void.

It is no wonder a man becomes bitter when his wife is apathetic, makes no effort to connect on an intimate level, or diverts her relational capital to others. He is being denied what he knows God designed their relationship to be. Created in the image of God, he is jealous and responds in a jealous way. He is intolerant of anything less than what God put together.

A couple that is "one" has no fear of a superior-inferior dynamic in the relationship. They function as one, not two individuals.

Lessons from Song of Solomon

Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 we are to marry to avoid fornication. The Song of Solomon tells us what sexual intimacy looks like from the man’s and the woman’s perspectives.

It is astonishing that Solomon chose the allegory of sensual sexual expression in a marriage relationship as a parallel of Christ’s relationship to His Church. Just think about it: the two being tied closely together and the insights it offers for anyone seeking to understand a biblical perspective of intimacy in marriage. To the contrary, so many handle the symbolism of Song of Solomon with such strict sterility that they miss the other half of its value, discarding the obvious.

While the symbolism is important, let’s set that aside to ask: Would the author (the Holy Spirit) use a poor example to convey such an important concept as the Christ-Church relationship? No, He chose the mutual love and intimacy of marriage as a parallel to Christ and His Church. What a testimony of the importance of intimacy in marriage! Without intimacy, there is no marriage. No other relationship is as close or decreed and justified by God.

The Song of Solomon is a perfect allegory for the Christ-Church relationship—and the intimacy of a husband and wife. You must ask why more lessons from the Song of Solomon aren’t used to inform married couples of what they should strive for in becoming one. The book’s descriptive language ordains a necessary dynamic in Christian marriages. It expresses as an example what the apostle Paul says should not be withheld from each other.

Christian leaders are too often silent on this critical part of marriage. Their avoidance opens the door for spouses to shirk the physical aspect of their marriage, leaving the other spouse subject to temptation. The lack of instruction and guidance in this area, let alone accountability, leaves a gaping hole to be filled in by Satan, the great liar and opportunist.

Christian counselors shouldn’t be surprised when couples show up with complaints of one or the other withholding physical affection; they were not properly instructed. Their misguided expectations were based on secular input or misguided teaching from pastors, authors, and counselors—a proven recipe for disaster.

The sensual, sexual aspect of marriage becomes a stumbling block for many, relegating its importance to a mere option. Some even interpret it as a "dirty necessity" that conflicts with holy living. How can any Christian place the sensuality of their marriage at the opposite end of the holiness spectrum from Christ and His Church when the Song of Solomon pairs them?

Satan has had his way with the Christian community, successfully moving the sexual relationship and its sensuality and intimacy into a different field of play than what God intended. Satan does everything possible to convince couples to enjoy sex before marriage and then everything he can after the wedding ceremony to prevent them "becoming one." The devil is the master of spoiling innocence and perverting God’s design for good. It is no wonder the modern porn industry thrives and so many Christians divorce when many church leaders neglect teaching about the truth and beauty of sexual relations in marriage.

Recognizing our own weaknesses to restrain our fleshly appetites, Paul instructs believers how to avoid the sin that such desires can lead to when not properly satisfied in the marriage relationship. Song of Solomon is the user’s manual that complements Paul’s guidance in 1 Corinthians 7:3–5. Song of Solomon is the manifestation of what "becoming one" looks like—an affirmation that marriage is meant for intimate, sensual, sexual connection: a communion between husband and wife. It is consistent with Paul’s admonition and God’s intent. He allows us to enjoy what He created for us to enjoy. God is not cruel; He didn’t create desires in us that we could not rightly satisfy.

Desire is by design. Each is responsible for cultivating their own thoughts for maintaining healthy desire for their spouse. Desire for each other is a critical part of the emotional and spiritual aspects of the relationship that brings the two together closer than with anyone else. Those desires are the mechanism by which a couple is brought to become one.

Any married couple who enjoys the deep connection, peace, and satisfaction of "becoming one" with each other through regular intercourse has a foretaste of what joy and unadulterated communion with our Lord will be like in eternity. That’s the beauty of Song of Solomon; it speaks to both the Christ-Church relationship and the holy fulfillment of becoming one.

In her article, "Not My Problem," Chris Taylor, at www.forgivenwife.com, highlights the necessity of sex in marriage when she tells of her lack of understanding early in her marriage: "I didn’t understand that I needed the emotional connection that came with sex. Most of all, I didn’t understand that even when a husband and wife don’t individually need sex, the marriage needs sex. Sex is a central characteristic of marriage. I just didn’t get it." 16

The intimacy of sex in marriage is much deeper than what modern culture proclaims—it is more than some animalistic urge driving up from our genome. It is God-given and right. To deny that is to deny what God designed us to be and deprive ourselves of that taste of "heaven on earth." In this way, Song of Solomon is a practical application of the closeness and intimacy of marriage that are central to the character of the relationship between the husband and wife. They include:

The woman’s expressions of desire are explicit and forward

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee. Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.

—Song of Solomon 1:2–4, KJV

By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not. The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth? It was but a little that I passed from them, but I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me. I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.

—Song of Solomon 3:1–5, KJV

The woman expresses her desire for him and acts on it; she is not passive or apathetic. The use of this allegory is evidence that the dynamic displayed by the woman is not unusual or in conflict with normal marital relations, since it exemplifies a wife’s role in intimacy. She is engaged and asserts herself to create a sensual, sexual relationship. She is careful to cultivate a reciprocating desire for him. She invests wholeheartedly—she is not disengaged or apathetic, nor simply submitting to fulfill her marital obligation. Indeed, she is not waiting on him to provide some token of emotional currency before she acts.

The man expresses his love for her and his admiration of her beauty

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.

—Song of Solomon 4:7, KJV

Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes. Behold, thou art fair, my beloved, yea, pleasant: also our bed is green (meaning prosperous).

—Song of Solomon 1:15–16, KJV

How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O prince’s daughter! the joints of thy thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a cunning workman. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins. Thy neck is as a tower of ivory; thine eyes like the fishpools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bathrabbim: thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus. Thine head upon thee is like Carmel, and the hair of thine head like purple; the king is held in the galleries. How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!

—Song of Solomon 7:1–6, KJV

The man’s expressions of love come through his admiration of her beauty. The Hebrew word for fair is yapheh, meaning "beautiful." 17 In his eyes, there is none fairer. This is significant in light of an earlier passage where the woman derides her own attractiveness: "I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother’s children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept" (Song of Sol. 1:5–6, KJV).

For the man, her beauty is pleasing, something to admire. He is pleased simply because she vowed to love him and be one with him. His admiration goes beyond her skin or her looks. He sees something deeper than what the culture defines as beauty.

In reciprocation, she accepts his admiration and expresses open acceptance of his sincerity and confidence of her beauty in his eyes. There is no self-loathing for her less-than-standard looks. She doesn’t rob him of the enjoyment he takes in the beauty he sees in her. She doesn’t let her self-doubts spoil the experience between them, instead throwing herself into the engagement with him throughout the entire play—from anticipation to consummation.

The exchanges between the man and woman are unabashedly sensual

The man:

Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of frankincense.

—Song of Solomon 4:5–6, KJV

Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck. How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices! Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon. A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed. Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with spikenard, spikenard and saffron; calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense; myrrh and aloes, with all the chief spices: a fountain of gardens, a well of living waters, and streams from Lebanon.

—Song of Solomon 4:9–15, KJV

The woman:

While the king sitteth at his table, my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof. A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts.

—Song of Solomon 1:12–13, KJV

Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love (meaning lovesick). His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.

—Song of Solomon 2:5–6, KJV

Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

—Song of Solomon 4:16, KJV

In any other context, the language and expressions in much of Song of Solomon would be considered inappropriate. But the context of marriage and the poetic language make this not just acceptable, but instructive and inspiring. It reveals the beautiful, God-given gift of intimacy that is essential in marriage. It grants us permission to act on our sexual desires, all in the safety and with the approval of our Lord God.

Overtly expressed sexual desire for each other is an important, defining trait of marriage. In the context of Christian marriage, desire for each other is no longer lust. Song of Solomon affirms that marriage is a haven for desire and sensual, sexual relations. This concept was well expressed by a man who wrote in his online blog:

Sexual delight is a marvelous grace; a physical symptom of the blessing that love can bring to the lover and the beloved.…Within Christian marriage sex is the sanctuary, the Holy of Holies, between a man and a woman; between the lover and the beloved. No one but the two consecrated by covenant with each other are allowed to enter into that blessed union.18

It is the act that renews the union and makes a couple "one." This is the way it was designed…by God.

Continue to Chapter 4