Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go on your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

—Matthew 5:23–24

A core principle of our Christian faith is the repentance-forgiveness dynamic. It is required to maintain our relationship with God, as well as for maintaining interpersonal relationships—especially in marriage.

Scripture reminds us of the necessity of having a heart that desires reconciliation by seeking and granting forgiveness. A willingness to seek forgiveness is a barometer of one’s Christian maturity and love. Matthew 5:23–24 makes it clear that when an unreconciled offense exists between us and another person, it hinders our relationship with God: "Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go on your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

Our willingness to grant forgiveness is also a factor in our relationship with God. Among the scriptural examples:

• "For if you forgive men for their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men for their sins, neither will your Father forgive your sins" (Matt. 6:14–15).

• "Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven’" (Matt. 18:21–22).

• "Bear with one another and forgive one another. If anyone has a quarrel against anyone, even as Christ forgave you, so you must do" (Col. 3:13).

The ill-informed husband or wife who has lost their conscience for seeking forgiveness when required will reap the consequences of distrust and resentment. A spouse who refuses to seek forgiveness for their offenses is declaring their lack of love for the other. Even worse is the pride that becomes their rudder, creating a hardened heart—the poison that ultimately kills a marriage. It is an offense to God as much as it is the spouse.

Character of Forgiveness

While I can’t go into an extensive teaching here on the topic of repentance and forgiveness, it is worth summarizing some basic principles of Christian forgiveness since God requires them in our relationship with Him. They start with the sinner (offender) outwardly confessing their sins to God before He will forgive them; this is the same model we are to follow with each other. Forgiveness cannot happen without this bilateral dynamic. While some argue that forgiveness can be unilaterally granted, that is not consistent with Scripture. At best, unilaterally overlooking an offense can be called grace. The biblical pattern and examples support the bilateral principle, but in pride and rebelliousness many try to rationalize otherwise. The love in a marriage hinges on this bilateral reconciliation.

Seeking forgiveness acknowledges two necessary elements for the marriage to work. First, it acknowledges that we are all susceptible to the consequences of Adam and Eve’s fall; we are all sinners and invariably offend others, especially our spouse. Admission to our offenses is a demonstration of integrity—being held accountable to a higher standard than our own sinful pride. Second, it is an affirmation of our love toward our spouse. If we truly love someone, the last thing we want to do is offend them; if we do, we want to make things right.

The marriage is relationship, and as in any relationship there will be times when one party or the other fractures the unity through an offense. In Matthew 18, our Lord prescribes reparations for Christian relationships in the Church when one brother trespasses against another: "Now if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, then take with you one or two others, that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every word may be established" (Matt. 18:15–16).

Between two mature adult spouses, Matthew 18:15 should be the beginning and end of reparations for offenses. Hopefully, verse 16 would never be needed in a marriage. Indeed, even if someone sought to do so, the privacy of the relationship and social pressure to maintain the appearance of harmony and unity would impede bringing outsiders into the relationship to verify one spouse’s attempts to achieve a reconciliation with the other.

So then, how are offenses to be reconciled in the marriage relationship? The principle behind Matthew 18:15 applies: if your spouse sins against you, describe their offense to them—in private. This sounds basic, but if it were simple to implement, we wouldn’t see so many Christian marriages wind up in divorce court.

We’re to keep the relationship open by clearing the relational obstructions. Making that happen requires two mature individuals. Yes, we’re called to "throw a blanket of grace" over the occasional infraction. However, when there is a long-standing pattern of the same offense with no repentance, such grace is more likely to reinforce the offender’s sinful behavior. This damages the relationship as well as the offender’s soul—their offense is with God, not just their spouse. The Christian marriage depends on each spouse to maintain Christian character and integrity.

How are offenses to be reconciled in the marriage relationship when the offender will not own up to their offense? Should we be confronting an unrepentant spouse with two or three witnesses? Maybe. I can’t think of a better way to introduce immediate accountability to an individual who refuses to take responsibility as an adult for their words, actions, and the disposition of their heart. Especially toward the one to whom they vowed to love all the days of their life. But there is a catch: for this to be effective, it requires these third parties to also be of Christian character and integrity. In addition, they must be familiar enough with Scripture as to keep from veering too far to the left or right and be free from the sin of gossip. That is hard to find today among pastors, let alone in the general Christian population. The influence of secular humanism, feminism, and psychology has left few people untainted.

Accountable to God

The biblical marriage is one of accountability. We’re all accountable to the God of the universe. At some point, we will answer to Him for why we treated our spouse the way we did, and how we didn’t hold to the role in our marriage as He prescribed. I’m talking about the on-the-ground, day-to-day realities of self-centeredness and rebellion. How do you introduce accountability between two people when one—or both—fail to respect their obligations, roles, and positions out of heartfelt, biblical love? They simply refuse to yield to decorum or one inch of ground when it comes to their "rights," meaning there is no admission of guilt, let alone seeking reconciliation through repentance and forgiveness.

Accountability can be hoped for through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, with the hope that the offending party’s heart has enough of a crack in it to allow conviction to seep in. What else can be done? Meanwhile, the offended party can hunker down with patience, as our Father does with us. As the Proverbs tell us: "Do not reprove a scorner, lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you" (Prov. 9:8) and "Open rebuke is better than secret love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. The full soul loathes a honeycomb, but to the hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet" (Prov. 27:5–7).

Longtime church members have likely read Luke 7:47 many times: "Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little loves little." Those are the words of Jesus, delivered during His visit to the home of the Pharisee Simon, who passed judgment on the woman washing Jesus’s feet with her tears and hair. One of several lessons from this exchange is Christ’s teaching that there is a relationship between a person’s ability to love and being on the receiving end of forgiveness. He first states it in the positive pertaining to the immediate, "Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much," then He states it in the negative pertaining to the general, "But he who is forgiven little loves little."

The latter statement is subtle. To understand it requires an understanding of how the repentance-forgiveness dynamic works. A person cannot be forgiven unless they confess their offenses and seek forgiveness in a heartfelt manner. Jesus taught in Luke 7:47 that a person cannot love unless they make right their offenses with the object of their love. This is the dynamic we see between the woman and Christ; just as He was able to see Simon’s judgmental thoughts of the woman, He looked directly into her heart and saw her repentant spirit.

Since we are unable to look directly into our spouse’s heart, it takes time to gain insight. Namely, for it to play outwardly in a demonstrable pattern. The dynamic of reconciliation (one person seeking forgiveness and the other granting forgiveness) is, therefore, a key component of love. It means clearing the air or coming clean, so to speak. This dynamic must be present in anyone who calls themselves a Christian. And if someone is unwilling to reconcile their offenses with their spouse, then there is rightful reason to believe they are one who "loves little."

Jesus knew the woman’s thoughts and, most importantly, her heart. Her actions toward Him were simply an outward demonstration of the disposition of her heart: sincere repentance for her sins. This heartfelt repentance formed the basis both for her actions and Christ’s forgiveness. Jesus is citing for the Pharisee’s sake (and ours) the clear connection between the repentance-forgiveness dynamic and love.

Unlike Jesus and His Father, we do not have a direct view into another person’s heart, so we must rely on outward expressions of what that person says and does. A woman whose heart has grown cold toward her husband cannot help but reveal it by her attitude toward him and what she says and does—or doesn’t say or do.

Therefore, a fair question is, "Is the dynamic of the bilateral act of repentance-forgiveness key to creating a loving relationship between husband and wife?" Yes, repentance demonstrates integrity. It expresses to your spouse a willingness to admit you offended them or sinned against them. You are sacrificing your own pride and self-centeredness for the sake of the loving relationship. Such action says, "I care enough about you that I don’t want to offend you, and I desire peace between us more than I want to hold on to my own pride." As revealed in Luke 7, the repentance-forgiveness dynamic is a heart matter. Its presence (or absence) is another window into the heart of a husband or wife. You will know them by their love. This is one critical outward demonstration of love.¹⁹

Continue to Chapter 5