Chapter 2
Foundation #2: Submission
But as the church submits to Christ, so also let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
—Ephesians 5:24
When it comes to marriage, the single most emphasized trait in the Bible is a wife’s submission to her husband. The authority in the headship of a man in marriage is validated through repeated admonishment for her to submit. Hermeneutically, the order is crystal clear: Husband is head of wife; wife is subject to husband; wife submits to husband. The scriptural citations are numerous. Among them are Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1–6, Titus 2:1–5, 1 Corinthians 14:34–35, Ephesians 5:22–24, and 1 Timothy 2:12–14.
The Bible lists reasons why the woman is to submit, such as pointing to Adam’s created order, God’s designation of her as help meet, and the woman’s susceptibility to the temptation of Satan: "For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman, being deceived, fell into sin" (1 Tim. 2:13–14). The wife’s wholehearted submission to her husband "in everything" (Eph 5:24) is critical to uphold the Christian quality of a marriage. Being of one mind is difficult to achieve when the wife will not yield with a sincere, loving heart. These are the physics of the marriage. Like gravity, if not respected there are disastrous consequences, as evidenced by modern culture’s divorce rates and marital problems. Submission is not optional, nor can a woman define it in terms of what is right in her mind.
Some Christian women complain of their husbands’ lack of leadership and at the same time find submission distasteful. "We’re equal!" they indignantly exclaim. Yes, in certain respects, we are equal; we will all stand before Him. But you can’t have it both ways. You can’t expect your husband to lead if you are not willing to yield to him. Headship and submission in the marriage is not about superiority or inferiority. As Paul reminds us, it is an order modeled after the Christ-Church relationship –the Church becoming one in Christ. Headship and submission are mechanisms that help bring husband and wife together as one.
Deep Roots of Submission
Before we look at how submission plays out in marriage, it is necessary to properly understand the fall and God’s response to it. Prior to Adam and Eve’s fall, in Genesis 2:18, God described Eve as a "helper" (the King James uses "help meet"). This is a clear description of the woman’s relation to her husband and consistent with God’s directive to submit to him.
As I mentioned in the prologue, Genesis 3:16 clarifies the positional relationship of the wife to the husband: "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
Matthew Henry’s Commentary provides healthy perspective on this verse:
She is here put into a state of subjection; the whole sex, which by creation was equal with man, is, for sin, made inferior, and forbidden to usurp authority, 1 Tim. ii. 11, 12. The wife particularly is hereby put under the dominion of her husband.…Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; but the entrance of sin has made that duty a punishment, which otherwise it would not have been. If man had not sinned, he would always have ruled with wisdom and love; and if the woman had not sinned, she would always have obeyed with humility and meekness; and then the dominion would have been no grievance: but our own sin and folly make our yoke heavy.…Those wives who not only despise and disobey their husbands, but domineer over them, do not consider that they not only violate a divine law, but thwart a divine sentence.
Lastly, observe here how mercy is mixed with wrath in this sentence; the woman shall have sorrow, but it shall be in bringing forth children, and the sorrow shall be forgotten for joy that a child is born, John xvi. 21. She shall be subject, but it shall be to her own husband that loves her, not to a stranger, or an enemy: the sentence was not a curse, to bring her to ruin, but a chastisement, to bring her to repentance. It was well that enmity was not put between the man and the woman, as there was between the serpent and the woman 1.
Immediately after the fall, God tells Eve: "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you" (Gen. 3:16). God is calling out her sinful predisposition and clarifying her position. We cannot ignore the directive God gave to the woman in the context of her being deceived by Satan and then misleading Adam to eat of the forbidden tree. The directive is God’s response to the woman, knowing her post-fall tendency. It is the state of every woman, predisposed to attempt to rule (conscious or otherwise) over her husband and mislead him as Eve did Adam.
There are three distinct phrases in Genesis 3:16. First, God imposes punishment on her and all women by His sovereign will: "I will." Second, He specifies the punishment, saying she will have painful labor. In Scripture, repetition is used to emphasize words, concepts, and ideas. Here God holds her accountable by emphasizing the consequences for her disobedience.
The third part, about her desire for her husband and his rule over her, gets twisted in two ways. Some take it to mean her desire is out of a pure motive: desire for his love. In error, they assign a different character to the woman’s predisposition than what the text expresses. The Hebrew word teshuwqah used here appears only two other times in the Old Testament, in Genesis 4:7 and Song of Solomon 7:10. It is interpreted as "a longing." 2 The Hebrew term assigns no character of motive behind the longing, so it must be taken in context and in light of other Scripture.
The twisted meaning is inconsistent with the context of Genesis 3:16 and the rest of Scripture about the woman’s predisposition and disregards the parallel use of the Hebrew term used for desire in Genesis 4:6–7:
The LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your countenance fallen? If you do well, shall you not be accepted? But if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. It desires to dominate you, but you must rule over it."
God is citing Cain’s responsibility to rule sin’s desire for him—that is, kept under control. In Genesis 3:16, it is the man who is to rule over the woman, the one who desires his position. Though not identical, her object of desire is parallel with the object of sin’s desire for Cain.
Song of Solomon 7:10 uses teshuwqah in a different context: "I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me." In this case, the woman acknowledges her husband’s desire for her love. The use of teshuwqah in Genesis is not parallel with its use in Song of Solomon.
Some mishandle Genesis 3:16 in another way, characterizing "he will rule over you" as illustrating the husband’s propensity to sin. This twisting reframes the subject from the woman’s responsibility of maintaining her position to creating a tension between them: her husband, by his sinful nature, is the source of part of her punishment. It inappropriately puts enmity between them.
Will her husband overreach his authority at times? Yes, but that is a separate matter and should not be used to divert the subject of Genesis 3:16 from the nature of the woman’s relationship to her husband or the husband’s rightful place, as head, to rule over her.
In summary, the proper interpretation of Genesis 3:16 includes two points upheld by Scripture: 1) the woman’s predisposition is to desire the man’s headship; 2) God is putting her on notice that the man holds headship and she is to willingly submit. God presses hierarchy in the relationship on the woman. She is to submit to her husband. This hierarchy is only on the horizontal plane in the marriage. On the vertical plane of our relationship to God, husband and wife are equal (Gal. 3:28). We will all stand before Him.
Many today are agitated by Genesis 3:16 because it challenges the secular view that permeates pop culture and has bled into Christian teaching. Matthew Henry understood the natural reaction many have to this verse: "Whatever there is of uneasiness in this, it is an effect of sin coming into the world." 3
Many make the error of concluding that the biblical marriage relationship (of the headship a husband holds and the wife’s submission) creates a superior-inferior relationship between them. It does not. It is simply a structure of order prescribed by God. Any historical examples where Christians impose a superior-inferior relationship is irrelevant to what Scripture requires. There will always be those who impose their own rules and dynamics on scriptural teaching. However, that does not negate the validity of God’s design and directives for headship and submission. A married couple that respects this God-ordained order is compliant with His design and will enjoy the benefits thereof.
Adam is also held accountable. In addressing Adam, God lays out the consequences of his disobedience: "And to Adam He said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, "You shall not eat of it," cursed is the ground on account of you; in hard labor you will eat of it all the days of your life’" (Gen. 3:17). Note the reasons for the sentence He laid on Adam and all men. Eating the forbidden fruit is most often the focal point, but notice God’s explicit correction for listening to his wife. In pointing out Adam’s error, God is telling him that his sentence, in part, is due to listening to his wife. It complements what He just told Eve: submit to your husband.
Understanding Submission
Submission in the marriage relationship is mischaracterized in Christian and secular communities alike. Our culture has created caricatures of submission (the cowering doormat wife and the autocratic, beer-drinking husband) that are so harmful it is nearly impossible to have a constructive discussion of submission. Men are shamed into keeping quiet and are reticent to bring it up because of the risk of being labeled with this caricature.
Submission in Scripture is quite different. It places the obligation on the woman to create a submissive relationship: to allow her husband to rule over her. Setting it in the correct context of obedience to God and placing the responsibility on her for submission is a much different message than what most people think about the topic. What this means is the husband’s rule is not a role he seizes but one the wife allows. When she does not submit to him, it is rebellion—against God and her husband. It creates a tension that places him in a predicament where the two who are to be as one are not, forcing him to take a position that he would rather avoid.
Over the past fifty years, pastors, authors, and counselors pushed the concept that the man must make himself worthy of submission. This diverts from the woman’s accountability to scriptural requirements to submit, creating a false teaching. It places the husband in a position of submitting to his wife’s fickle demands. Worst of all, it is contradictory to God’s correction in Genesis 3:17 of Adam submitting to Eve’s voice; it reverses the order of the relationship and creates a lose-lose situation. The health of the relationship rests on the woman’s acceptance of her husband’s role as head and her heartfelt submission to him.
Is there a biblical precedent for the man to aggressively rule over his wife? It would seem the contrary when Proverbs advises, "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Prov. 21:9) and "It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman" (v. 19). Proverbs warns of the contentious woman. The husband is not directed to be forceful. On the other hand, when the man corrects his wife, she is obligated to yield.
A non-submissive wife is an act of rebellion, easily concealed because it is an act of omission. It is the wife’s burden to create the "rule over you" dynamic of the relationship. God addressed His directive to Adam’s wife, charging her with the responsibility. If a woman refuses to cultivate the relationship with her husband as God directed, she is in sin, responsible for discord, and accountable to God. In his legendary book, The Attributes of God, British Bible teacher A. W. Pink said that a wife’s submission to her husband is among the many commands from God "which would not have been right had He not so commanded!" But how many today deny His appointment of the wife’s duty? Pink noted:
Let us give further proofs that the responsibility of the creature is based upon God’s sovereignty. How many things are recorded in Scripture which were right because God commanded them, and which would not have been right had He not so commanded! What right had Adam to "eat" of the trees of the Garden? The permission of his Maker (Gen 2:16), without which he would have been a thief! What right had Israel to "borrow" of the Egyptians’ jewels and raiment (Exo 12:35)? None, unless Jehovah had authorized it (Exo 3:22). What right had Israel to slay so many lambs for sacrifice? None, except that God commanded it. What right had Israel to kill off all the Canaanites? None, save as Jehovah had bidden them. What right has the husband to require submission from his wife? None, unless GOD had appointed it. And so we might go on. Human responsibility is based upon divine sovereignty. 4
Pink pointed out that the husband’s right to require submission from his wife is God-appointed. Today that is not the predominant teaching in the pulpits or books. In error, the Christian pop culture maintains that a man cannot call his wife out for her lack of submission.
Submission: What It Is
What does a submissive heart look like? Like Sarah’s toward Abraham, as outlined in 1 Peter 3:5–6: "For in this manner, in the old times, the holy women, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord." Women who bristle at these words are missing the point. This is not requiring that a woman call her husband "lord." It is pointing to Sarah embracing such humility, reverence, and love for Abraham that she was willing to honor him that way. The disposition of her heart is the point of submission.
A woman’s heartfelt submission is a barometer of her love. Its absence screams of a cold, hardened heart—she is abandoning her vows. In God’s image, a man doesn’t want sacrifice; he wants his wife’s heart. A Christian woman will strive to maintain her heart for her husband. Her submission is an outward expression of unconditional love and reverence as she seeks to check her sinful predisposition. A lack of submission breeds contention, which provokes the man and disheartens him. Her submission isn’t limited to one part of the relationship. As Paul says: "But as the church submits to Christ, so also let the wives be to their own husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:24). A virtuous Christian woman puts her husband ahead of all other things. She is supportive of him, his decisions, and his leadership.
Her sinful tendencies may cause her to slip into self-centeredness, especially if she believes the secular view that a man needs to deliver certain tokens to place her in a right state of emotions before she assumes this loving disposition. That is contrary to Peter’s instruction: "Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, so that if any do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, as they see the purity and reverence of your lives" (1 Pet. 3:1–2). The woman’s relationship with her husband is not conditional. Peter is not saying that she needs to wait for him to make her feel like it or to extort him with jumps and hurdles before she takes on her biblical disposition. A loving wife should consistently express—via verbal, nonverbal, and physical actions—closeness, connection, and desire. As Ephesians 5:29 says: "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord cares for the church."
We shouldn’t be so wooden in our minds to think this applies only to men. We are talking about intimacy here, and not just in a sexual sense. Closeness marked by physical touch, verbal uplifting, desire for the other’s well-being, and vulnerability are all demonstrated by what we say and do. These qualities are built stronger with every passing day. If there is no explicit, overt expression of desire for intimacy in all its forms, the marriage is merely a friendship, and she has betrayed her vows. Her desire should be proactive—a desire to understand him, uplift him, help him succeed, and promote his happiness. As his aide, she is to help him realize all these things, which affects the relationship.
Withholding closeness, connection, and desire is inflicting harm in self-righteous pride, thereby smothering the most defining traits of marriage, starving the marriage of essential oxygen and nutrition essential to a loving marriage relationship. Paul points out the illogical nature of such action in Ephesians 5:29.
Later in the passage Paul adds: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (v. 33, KJV). I use the King James here for its more accurate use of reverence to describe the wife’s disposition toward her husband. Reverence has a different meaning than the term other translations use, respects. The Greek root is phobeō, meaning "to frighten," "to be alarmed," or "to be in awe of, i.e., to revere." 5
Paul is saying a Christian wife should have awe for her husband. Its definition is "overwhelming wonder, admiration, respect, or dread." 6 How many wives are overwhelmed with admiration or respect for their husbands? How many pastors, authors, and counselors admonish wives to maintain awe or reverence for their husbands? Where are the sermons? The books?
In addition, a biblically submissive wife is comfortable with her husband’s capacity for wisdom and judgment. Not that she shouldn’t be a part of decisions and issues they face as a couple. Godly men will not be so autocratic and ironfisted as to not seek their spouse’s input or to give her the lead on certain matters when it is prudent; wise men recognize when their wife’s strength exceeds theirs in a particular area.
Even a woman who considers her husband deficient in some way must still submit to him. A humble, loving approach has a greater influence on him than contentious confrontation and gives evidence of a heart submitted to God: "The tongue of the wise uses knowledge aright, but the mouth of fools pours out foolishness" (Prov 15:2).
A contentious woman will, by default, rear her ugly head when disagreements arise. Women who do not suppress their sinful tendencies will spark discord in marriage. Unfortunately, many Christian women today do not recognize this predisposition. More concerning are the pastors who don’t acknowledge it or preach on it. By doing so, Christian leaders fail to provide needed admonishment and instruction.
The woman’s disposition is pivotal. She is compliant with God’s directive when she defers to her husband, while noncompliance creates disharmony. It illustrates what James warned of: "For where there is envying and strife, there is confusion and every evil work" (Jas. 3:16).
The woman can have an enormous amount of influence. Out of gentleness and a pure heart, she can cultivate the good from her husband and be a help meet supporting his position in the relationship, in the family, and in the community. That does not equate with being weak or passive.
Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was known for her devotion to her husband, President Ronald Reagan. This made her a formidable behind-the-scenes player in his administration and one of the most influential presidential wives in modern times: "Press accounts framed Reagan as her husband’s ‘chief protector,’ an extension of their general initial framing of her as a helpmate.…" 7
Even the secular press recognized her as a "helpmate." She is one of the best examples of a strong woman and a help meet to her husband. Her reputation was a product of how she treated him; it is evident when a woman is wholeheartedly devoted to her husband—and when she isn’t. A woman’s willingness to support her husband is the single-most influential dynamic in the health of a marriage and a responsibility to which God will hold her accountable. Scripture speaks frequently about God being provoked by disobedience and hardened hearts. As Jeremiah 25:7 puts it: "Yet you have not listened to Me, says the LORD, that you might provoke Me to anger with the works of your hands to your own harm."
Now, the husband is indeed to love his spouse as Christ loves the Church, but that is difficult—if not impossible—when the foundational marriage dynamic of headship and submission is not respected by his wife. Christ’s Church includes those who believe and are obedient; the rebellious are not part of His Church. If the husband-wife relationship is modeled after the Christ-Church relationship, how much of a marriage can there be when a woman is not submissive—she is rebellious or contentious?
Some look at submission as harsh and dated. Our cultural tendencies, often expressed through the lens of feminism, mischaracterize submission as paternal dominance that oppresses women. The omission of biblical foundations of submission have a disastrous effect on marriage—inside and outside the Church. If these views sound too harsh, it is a signal of the influence of secular culture on the reader. When a woman submits her heart to her husband, she will express submission willfully and joyfully. It will put the relationship in the state God designed, the closest we can get to paradise this side of heaven.
The Contentious Wife
The contentious wife is often associated with an overt, abrasive, unruly individual. Contention is a broad category that includes a woman who wears a veneer of humility publicly while mistreating her husband in subtle, passive-aggressive ways privately. She destroys her marriage with a thousand paper cuts, acting as Solomon warned: "Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands" (Prov. 14:1). This subtle aggression is sinister and evil, worse than any overt, physical assault. It is a state that is common today, sometimes reluctantly given names such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder. Whether or not you buy into the labels, it includes any woman who is so overtaken by her own pride and self-absorption that her heart is hardened toward her husband. Modern culture has emboldened and encouraged her hostility toward him.
On the other hand, Proverbs is plentiful in citing the overtly contentious woman:
• "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Prov 21:9).
• "It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman" (Prov 21:19).
• "It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Prov 25:24).
• "A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil in his right hand" (Prov 27:15–16).
• "For three things the earth is disquieted, and for four which it cannot bear: for a servant when he reigns, and a fool when he is filled with food, for a hateful woman when she is married, and a handmaid who is heir to her mistress" (Prov 30:21–23).
• "A foolish son is the calamity of his father, and the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping of water" (Prov 19:13).
Paul warns against turning aside after Satan through speaking reproachfully: "Therefore I desire that the younger women marry, bear children, manage the house, and give no occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. For some have already turned aside after Satan" (1 Tim. 5:14–15). The Greek word for reproachfully is loidoria, which means "to slander or vituperate." 8 The latter word is defined as "to rebuke or criticize harshly or angrily; berate." 9
Peter talks of "evil for evil" and "railing for railing": "Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing" (1 Pet. 3:8–9, KJV). Paul uses strong language to express the nature of brothers that fall into one of six categories of sin and the response believers are to have with those brothers. Those brothers are "wicked." The responses believers are to have are explicit:
But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.
—1 Corinthians 5:11–13, KJV
The two similar terms, railing and reviling (both coming from the Greek loidoria and loidoros), refer to an egregious sin that is grouped right alongside fornicators, drunkards, and extortioners. It damages the sinner and those around them. It is not to be taken lightly and is to be confronted as seriously as would fornication:
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.
—1 Corinthians 6:9–10
A woman with a pattern of speaking reproachfully to her husband can hardly have a heart for him. This is a serious offense against the man she vowed to love until death do they part.
According to the Bible, a woman should not speak to her husband disrespectfully, or with malice or sarcasm. Indeed, a husband is obligated to point out her sin when she speaks this way. She is exhibiting the behavior Proverbs 9:13 frowns on: "A foolish woman is clamorous; she is simple, and knows nothing." Hamah (haw-maw), the Hebrew word for clamorous, means "to be in great commotion or tumult, to rage, war, moan, clamor." 10
Proverbs 9:13 is speaking to the same character that Paul warns against in 1 Timothy 5:14, "Give no occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully." It is yet another citation of the pattern we see in Scripture of a woman’s predisposition.
Matthew Henry’s commentary on Proverbs 19:14 speaks to a woman critical of her husband:
For, though a wife that is continually finding fault may think it is her wit and wisdom to be so, it is really her folly; a prudent wife is meek and quiet, and makes the best of every thing. 11
Proverbs, in speaking of the contentious wife, warns a man that he is better off alone in the wilderness or alone on a rooftop. If Proverbs says he is better off away from her, what is the effect of a contentious woman on a man who is married to her? The continual dropping referred to in Proverbs 9:13 may give us a clue. The effect of a contentious woman is as a torture technique where a continual dripping of water on a restrained person’s forehead will eventually feel like a steady cascade of bricks instead of water droplets. The pain eventually becomes unbearable. She weighs heavily on him –more of a burden than his help meet. He cannot find peace and comfort in his own home.
These Old Testament and New Testament verses add color to what is meant by the contentious wife of Proverbs. Furthermore, they make clear that she is under the influence of Satan.
Submission and Family
The wife submitting to her husband is a heaven-on-earth example for their children. It models the headship-subjection dynamic and normalizes it in a tangible, observable way so the submission and obedience demanded by God is not foreign. How can children desire obedience to God and submit to Him when the primary example of the wife submitting to her husband is absent or even antagonistic?
The absence of submission on the wife’s part in a Christian marriage easily leads their children to conclude that their parents are hypocrites, since their stated beliefs and actions don’t align. While requiring their children to attend church services, study Scripture, repent of their sin, and worship God, the parents’ poor example contradicts their profession of faith. It is no wonder so many young people who are raised in "Christian" homes walk away from their faith.
Throughout her book, The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man, Laura Doyle reinforces the importance of a wife’s role in modeling submission—what she calls "surrendering." Under the heading, "Children Respect People You Respect," Doyle reminds women, "Kids of all ages take their cues about who has authority in the home from their parents. If mom doesn't respect dad, then why should they?" Doyle provides some excellent scenarios that illustrate how a wife should conduct herself and preserve her husband’s headship.12
Husbands Grieve
One would be deceived to think that wives do not have a tendency of offending and thus grieving their husbands. While the repeated accounts in Proverbs call this pattern out, you wouldn’t know that from the modern narrative. Is there any reason to think a man is not grieved by his wife’s unrepentant offenses, a parallel to the Spirit grieving when we sin against Him? If the only thing we can do to clear our relationship with God is repent, why would we expect anything different in earthly relationships?
Like the Holy Spirit, the husband remains grieved until his wife owns her offenses, repents, and asks for forgiveness. Hosea, who is known as the brokenhearted prophet, attests to the grieved husband whose wife is rebellious. Our advantage is being able to verbally communicate to one another when we are grieved. It is a matter of listening to our spouses and softening our hearts to accept responsibility for and take ownership of our sins against each other.
A wife’s unrepentant sins create a gap between her and her husband, which cannot be closed until she comes to her husband and seeks forgiveness to restore the relationship. Anything less is disobedient to Scripture. Making things right with him demonstrates personal accountability, a quality expected even of non-Christians. Making herself accountable to him is a demonstration of her love for him and God.
A refusal to own her offenses is willful hostility and outright rebellion. Willfully ignoring her conscience leads to a hardened heart and insensitivity to the Spirit’s conviction of sin. Once that happens, in her mind, her callousness, distance, and contentiousness become an acceptable way of treating her husband. She becomes contemptuous. She uses rationalization, blame-shifting, and other techniques to excuse her actions, even though all are forms of false witness. Ironically, the husband’s God-given role includes admonishing and correcting these tendencies in his wife. How can two become one if one does not yield?
As the Book of Hosea is a metaphor for Israel’s sin, God’s judgement, and God’s forgiving love, the seditious wife is expected to turn from her sinful rebelliousness and seek the forgiveness of her husband who desires her love.
The Character of a Christian Wife
The woman’s disposition toward her husband is characterized by several qualities, starting with proper behavior. First Peter 3:2 says the wife is to have a "chaste conversation coupled with fear" (KJV). In modern usage, the Greek word for conversation is translated as "behavior." She is to watch her behavior, especially how she treats him. Her fear is of God—for her accountability to Him. This should convict a married woman’s conscience and govern her attitude, speech, and behavior toward him. Secretly harboring resentment and hatred toward him won’t escape God’s omnipotence; she will answer for it.
Another quality wives should embrace is the "ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit" (1 Pet. 3:4). Peter is speaking to the state of her heart toward her husband. Not that she should act like a mousey, second-class person. But she should bless him with her unique qualities and personality. If her heart is in the right place, she will present Christian character before him and the Lord.
Matthew Henry describes "the hidden man of the heart" a woman should possess:
The finest ornament of Christian women is a meek and quiet spirit, a tractable easy temper of mind, void of passion, pride, and immoderate anger, discovering itself in a quiet obliging behaviour towards their husbands and families.13
Notice what Peter is describing is the opposite of contentiousness. Whether stated in the negative (as in Proverbs speaking to the contentious wife) or in the positive (as Peter does), Scripture contains an explicit, consistent theme for wives.
A wife is to be a help meet to her husband. A help meet (or aide) plainly takes a role of support. They are to assist what another is seeking to accomplish. A help meet takes direction from and follows the one they are appointed to aid. Wives who have the mindset to serve their husbands biblically as a help meet serve well themselves.
In addition, a wife is the "weaker vessel." Peter writes of the husband in 1 Peter 3:7, "giving honor to the woman as the weaker vessel." Still, his success in doing so rests on his wife’s sensitivity to her own character as the weaker vessel. In other words, she must be self-aware—aware that she is the weaker and to be accepting of her husband’s position as head in the relationship. Some refuse to acknowledge this weakness and claim "weaker vessel" refers to her physical makeup while others mistakenly translate it as the woman’s vulnerability to her husband. In the latter, there seems to be an underlying presumption of his hostility, consistent with the feminist view of the debased male, while producing an effect of enmity between the two. Regardless, Matthew Henry explains, "she is the weaker vessel by nature and constitution."14
Paul, in 1 Timothy 2:14, supports Henry’s explanation of what the "weaker vessel" means. The susceptibility Paul refers to cuts across many aspects of her character. The weaknesses that root in this propensity are to what the "weaker vessel" refers. When a woman doesn’t accept these weaknesses when they arise, and her husband’s correction, it creates another opportunity for dysfunction between them. Her acceptance of her own weakness in the relationship is another dimension of her biblically aligned submission.
It is also worth noting a biblically submissive wife is agreeable; Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:34 that "she who is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband." The Greek word for "please" is areskō, which means to be agreeable, an apt guide for Christian wives. In this verse, Paul contrasts the married and unmarried woman, saying the unmarried woman cares for the things of God, but the married woman for her husband. This brings another dimension of clarity to the relationship of husband and wife. Don’t let the gravity of this slip by unnoticed. Think about the obligation of an unmarried woman to the Lord being (somewhat) overridden by her obligation to her husband once she marries. Paul is saying that when a woman marries, her worldly concerns shift from those of the Lord’s to her husband (not her family, friends, children, or career). This declares the status her husband should have in her mind and heart.
As I mentioned earlier, Sarah calling Abraham "lord" is an example of the disposition a wife should have toward her husband—and Abraham and Sarah are a prime example of marriage. This is no small matter. It illustrates Peter’s emphasis on the wife honoring her husband and treating him as head of the family. Outside of Christ, Peter knew that there was no man then or after who would compare to Abraham. For any sarcastic wife who would quip: "Well, my husband is no Abraham," that is the point: she should still be treating her husband as if he were Abraham. This should play out in her attitude, how she approaches him, talks to him, talks about him, and treats him.
Proverbs 31 is another example of clear instruction for wives. Verses 10–31 outline the characteristics of a virtuous wife, a standard that is ignored today. Some minimize its importance by claiming it is not a real woman that is being described and that it is a standard that no woman can maintain. Even a cursory study shows that there is nothing outrageous being described in Proverbs 31. The real issue is that some women do not want to be held accountable to such a standard.
"The heart of her husband safely trusts in her" (Prov. 31:11). The husband with a virtuous wife feels safe with her. The way she treats him builds the trust that—as verse 12 says—"she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." Matthew Henry comments on the verse:
She shows her love to him, not by a foolish fondness, but by prudent endearments, accommodating herself to his temper, and not crossing him, giving him good words, and not bad ones, no, not when he is out of humour, studying to make him easy, to provide what is fit for him both in health and sickness, and attending him with diligence and tenderness…15
Verses 26–27 amplify on this love, talking about her industriousness, speaking with wisdom and kindness, and looking after her household. Her children’s and husband’s responses, in verses 28–29, are a direct reflection of her character—she has earned their blessings and praises.
Proverbs 31 is the model for married women who seek to align themselves with God’s will. The Proverbs 31 woman is productive on many levels, not just at home. She is energetic and holds a place beside her husband (not in front or behind). As the help meet, she complements him with her actions. She is industrious, reaching outside the home to complement her husband’s provisions. Verses 13–14 describe her seeking "wool and flax," and working willingly with her hands as she "brings her food from afar." Other verses talk about her buying a field, planting a vineyard, helping the poor, and making fine linen.
Paul’s instruction to Titus furthers the picture of a Christian wife’s character: "Likewise, older women should be reverent in behavior, and not be false accusers, not be enslaved to much wine, but teachers of good things, that they may teach the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, and to be self-controlled, pure, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored" (Titus 2:3–5).
A Curious Christian Phenomenon
Some Christian women are outspoken advocates for a biblically based transformation of marriage. In the spirit of Titus 2:4, these women are using books and blogs to engage other women on the topic of biblically loving their husbands. Despite various approaches, all have come to the same realization: when they hold to a biblical character of recognizing their husband’s headship and who they are in relation to them, their marriage improves dramatically.
Each transformed feelings for their husband by the deliberate assent of their will, apart from what their husbands did or didn’t do. This requires maturity, self-awareness, introspection, and submission to the Word of God.
A pastor can take these topics only so far, so as "older women," they have penned material to help make up for the last five decades’ omissions. A few examples include: The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle; The Forgiven Wife (www.forgivenwife.com) by Chris Taylor; Sarah’s Daughter (sarahsdaughterblog.blogspot.com); and The Peaceful Wife (peacefulwife.com) by April Cassidy.
These women and many others have stepped out of the cultural mainstream to share what has always been there: God’s beautiful model for married couples. These women resisted the rebellious Eve and realized their willingness to accept their husbands’ headship is wonderfully liberating. The common thread is a changed heart as their view of their husbands and themselves moved to a loving state that is impossible without knowing who they are in Christ.
The Marriage’s Linchpin
Hopefully, you can see how a woman’s willingness to submit to her husband is the linchpin of marriage. For two people to become one flesh, somebody must yield. In a Christian marriage, the woman is required to yield. Nevertheless, it is a mistake to say this position is simply a tie-breaking mechanism; it is about the sustaining disposition of her heart. In its right place it will support her husband and build up him and the marriage. She will be the better for it. If her heart is not in the right place, she will undermine the marriage and be the "continual dripping" spoken of in Proverbs 19:13 and 27:15.
The second foundation is all about the woman’s heart! Her submission to the man to whom she made her covenantal vows do not point to some hollow, twenty-first century version of a Stepford Wives robot, but to the disposition of her heart toward her husband. When her heart is right, everything else falls into place.